conversation on Thursdays

D said that you should not talk with him any more once you guys broke up. However, I still talked with him on these two Thursdays.

The funny part of these conversation are: I talked about some history to prove that we did have feelings while he tried to explain them in another way. For example, I told him that we had talked with each other for 1 hour every day when he was in Europe while he explained that he just wanted to get help on the application of post-doc.

The conversation is interesting. I feel more and more contempt for him either because he is distorting the history or because he felt so comfortable to say that he has used me. I may free myself from the grief a little bit more easily using the contempt feeling as a trick. However, I don’t think that the contempt feeling is healthy since it may weaken my belief in people.

I’ll see what will happen if such kind of funny conversation could continue.

rattle…

D once helped me analyze the situlation. D said that ZC was so confused that he could not make a real decision for the relationship. As I looked back today, I found that his draw-back action always happened when he was in China. The pressure prevented him from communicating with me freely, so he told me last Thursday that he didn’t wanna talk with me so frequently. However, we almost talked every day when he was in Europe.

In short, to grow up is painful; to clear one’s mind of doubts about future is hard. However, I have to grow up either there is a company or not.

break-up II

There are five stages in the Kübler-Ross model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and accept.

The whole process of dealing with break-up for me started from last October. I denied the situation that he was not that into me; I felt angry when he reneged; I bargained with him for having a trip here to see if the relationship could work out or not. However, He did not wanna do anything for the relationship. I felt depressed but finally accepted the situation and started to move on.

I offered him my help if he need it in future and will try to treat him as a friend. At least, it is very meaningful experience for me.

a touching episode

忽然想起,下面的这个桥段,有点《倾城之恋》里面范柳原和白流苏因为生死不知,而一瞬间互相信任看透的意味。

以下摘抄:

他日益壮大塞满我胸膛时,我有了不一样的打算。我不愿一夜之欢,我要长久
一点,甚至更长更久一点。我要,生意不成情意在。我要把我们的关系复杂化,把
他绞缠到我的生活网络里, 盘结错综。是的爱情两造,我要加重天平这端我的砝
码,即使性关系没有了,我们还有其它的关系。

我接近他,如临深渊,如履薄冰。我明白了永桔描述我的酷是,戴维斯的小喇
叭音色行走于蛋壳之上。我毫不躁进,恰像经上所言,不要惊动,不要叫醒我所爱
的,等他自己情愿。

他的从不戴手表,稚气单眼皮,一组相机挂在胸前已成身体一部份,他的视器。
他望车流久久,似乎在想怎么收回允诺,婉谢掉我的邀约,这个他亦太舍不得放弃
的邀约。

我一点不急,静悄等候。我惊讶自己的泱泱大度。

他说了。 ……

break-up

He set me free. It is a nice move of his to finish the long, painful and unhealthy relationship.

I do think that during the whole relationship process, he did this most nobly and responsibly.

Now I feel released and start to move on.

Hope he can figure out his life in future and be happy, with or without my help.

about D

D is from the other continent. We are dealing with the same project and have lunch together mostly. I never thought that D was special until he came to tell me about that. However, if I looked back carefully I could trace some unique characters on him such as he was very considerable and sensitive. I applaud him for his courage and happy life which he deserve.
I shared some secrets with him today and the conversation released me a lot from my pressure and helped me a lot for dealing with the puzzle. He kindly encourage me in holding hope for the happy life in future. However, he didn’t has an optimistic view of my current relationship.
I shared this story to ZC tonight. He didn’t respond but tried to change the subject. However, he did show his opinion by an obvious way that he didn’t wanna discuss nor has a clear mind about the future. I am trying to grow up but he would rather stay where he is. I guess maybe D and other friends’ opinion are right, but …

disgusting

Suddenly I feel the weak and emotional character lingering in my heart is disgusting. I am the person who want to have a strong heart, so why bothered by the trifles? Be positive and steady, for your own sake.

Never boggle at a difficulty

I think I start to distrust you gradually. As you stopped contacting with me in last October, you said that you could not do that because your cellphone was out of battery. As you asked me to call you today but didn’t pick up the phone, you said that it was because your cellphone was out of battery, again.

You just don’t understand. The reason why I was upset is not because you could not make it, but because you didn’t care. You can simply tell me on the msn that your cellphone was out of battery instead of letting me wait without doing anything.

You just treat me without proper respect.

恋爱是一个考验内心的试炼场,它让人心变得柔软,也会让人心脆弱的地方无所遁形。我想也许放弃你,才能让自己的内心更加强大,才能不再被你无责任的态度所左右。但是……

update

I have almost finished the writing of one paper. It is painful, but it is worth it. I learned a lot during the writing process.

I searched literature this afternoon and felt that I became steady during the searching process. The tide of emotion is out.

I read some friends’ blog and found that their devotion to science are so ardent. I should make friends with people who have good character and learn from them.

redikulus

redikulus: A spell that you say to a boggart when you want it to turn into something funny.

Sometimes I wish that there do have some spells by which you can turn something formidable into something funny, something glossy into something ugly, or something apparent into something true.

I know you are narcissistic, peacockish, egocentric, weak and shallow, but I cannot cast that spell on you, yet.

web
analytics Map